Put Me Out Of My Misery
by CdnJAGScribe
Summary: Harm, Animal and Keeter discuss relationships, and get plastered out of their minds.


"Put Me Out of My Misery"

Author: Hugo "Animal" Chikamori

E-mail:

Rating: PG-13

Classification: Harm, Animal...(dumped again...)

Spoilers: None;

Summary: What an afternoon! Animal gets dumped, Harm likewise, with Annie. This is what happens after.

Disclaimers: The characters Harm Rabb, Jr., AJ Chegwidden, et al. belong in concept if not name) to CBS/Bellisarius. Animal is my own property. No profit is being made from this story, nor is any infringement intended. The song "Put Me Out of My Misery," is by me (Oh god, it's a song-fic – and it's mine so DEAL)...and no; there isn't any music, unless someone wants to put it into music. (AN: About that song, I wrote, I hope people don't think I'm serious. This is just in fun...honest...-grin- though of course, with my last break-up (prior to my marriage) that I went through, it would be a pretty apt song)

Author's Note, This was actually a story I wrote in 1998 (before I met my wife). Because of Fanfiction's rules about song-fic; I've had to re-edit this and rewrite sections of it.

* * *

McMurphy's Tavern

Harm looked blearily at his best friend; his fifth glass of whiskey had seen to that side of his vision. "Life sucks, you know that?"

Animal wasn't too much better off as he slurred his words, trying intently to focus his rather fuzzy vision on his equally inebriated friend. "Yeah. why?"

"Women, they sure know how to pick the best times to really lay waste to your entire system." Harm slurred as he lifted up his index finger, the alcohol making it seem as though he was saying something profound.

"Yep..." Animal blearily agreed. His break-up with his long-time girl friend was really ugly. After a few rum and cokes, he wasn't feeling any pain though and neither was Harm. Keeter had long since been two sheets to the wind, laying on the floor, under the table. "They sure do..." Breakups weren't easy, one felt like curling up in a ball and telling the entire world to go to HELL. But men were supposed to be stoic, unemotional, solid as a rock. YEAH...RIGHT.

"And you know what's the most ironic thing?" Harm blurted out, pointing his index finger at Animal as if to make a point. "Your girlfriend..."

"Who?" Animal blurrily looked over at Harm. "Who was that?"

"I think that was Karen, no, or was it Stacey, or was it Colleen?" Harm grinned, his head weaving as he tried to stay upright in his chair.

"No, I think Stacey was yours..." Animal said dissolving in laughter and winced as the blood vessels in his brain started pounding from the sound.

"Uhn-uh..." Harm shook his head in a negative gesture, and instantly regretted it, as the entire room started spinning worse than his last test in the centrifuge. Resting his head down on the table he said." I didn't have anyone else before Annie..."

"I beg to differ..." Keeter's voice came from the floor, "What about that stewardess...Maria Conchita...I forget, what were her other names?"

"That was YOUR girlfriend, Keeter." Animal retorted laughing his head off,"You dated her because you thought that many names was exotic, at least according to your feeble mind."

"Well...You know..." Harm said."You know what the most ironic thing is…you know..." It was at least that much alcohol that allowed the other two aviators to think that Harm was making the slightest bit of sense.

"What..." Animal was dying for a laugh.

"What..." said Keeter trying futilely to get himself back into his chair.

"Annie turns around, gives me hell for that Tiger Cruise thingie, and then dumps me. Then I get this call from Animal here, telling me that Karen dumped him. Isn't that ironic."

"So, is that why were down here, drinking?" Keeter grumbled acerbically as he somehow managed to succeed from a prone position on the ground to laying on his stomach on the seat of the chair, raising a finger in response. "I thought it was my birthday or somethin'"

"No...no...we go bowling for alligators on your birthday." Harm grinned evilly at Keeter.

"Hey, how's Mac's relationship with that CLOWN going?" Animal thought to ask. Harm winced.

"Clown?" he asked confused at Animal's query. Harm's braincells weren't working too well at the moment.

"Yeah, you know...that clown that actually practices law or something."

"Oh, you mean Dalton Lowne." Harm replied cheerily as the connection finally managed to coalesce in his alcohol-soaked brain. Keeter snickered. Animal elbowed him.

"Clown, Lowne, same difference." Keeter snorted."The guy's so opinionated, his legal pads are an inch wide."

"I won't disagree with you there." Animal retorted acidly. "Civvie puke lawyers are a bunch of leeches."

Keeter grumbled morosely as he realized the state of his own love-life,"Hey, can't we talk about something a little more uplifting than getting dumped by women? I'm getting depressed."

"Well...sorry...if you're not in a relationship right now..." Animal retorted then proclaimed dramatically."As far as I'm concerned: My guts and entrails feel like they've just been ripped out and stepped on." He looked miserable; whether that was the alcohol speaking, it was unsure.

"Why does that seem familiar...somehow..." commiserated Harm.

"So, feel like singin' a hurtin' song?" Keeter suggested cuttingly.

"No...not that 'What Becomes of the Broken Hearted...'" Animal groaned as he held his head. He didn't feel all that good. The result of which would probably be a stint with the porcelain God.

"Why not, it's a good song..." Harm protested.

"Why not...'Just Put Me Out Of My Misery and Shoot Me?'" asked Animal with no small amount of sarcasm.

"I've never heard of it..."

"I know. I just made it up."

"Well, why don't we try to make up some lyrics." Harm looked as though he'd had a bright idea. Alcohol, creativity and music went together like peanut butter, jelly and bread.

"OK..." Keeter said. "How about, Oh, yeah... _My baby left me, I needed a new place to dwell_..."

"That's _Heartbreak Hotel_..." Animal shot that down very quickly "Get something original."

"How about this:" Harm said as he sang in a low achingly miserable voice.

" _You left me...baby_

 _You left me for another guy..._

 _You saw that he was good for you,_

 _Unfortunately, it wasn't I..._

 _My life, it doesn't look brighter._

 _Since you walked out of that door._

 _I couldn't stop myself from cryin'_

 _Don't wanna love you anymore..._

 _Just put me out of my misery..._

 _And shoot me..._

 _It would be the kindest thing to do..._

 _Even though it makes me miserable._

 _I just can't get over you..._

Now why don't you try and figure out the rest of the verses..." Harm said, a look of self-appreciative accomplishment on his face as he looked over at Animal.

"Not bad...not too shabby at all, if I say so myself..." Animal replied, nodding, then regretting it as a wave of nausea swept over him and he had to pause for a long moment, before he looked over at Keeter. "You go, and try and figure out a couple of verses, I'm completely running dry and I think I feel like I'm going to heave…"

" _When ya walked into my life..._

 _Such a long long time ago..._

 _Now it hurts ev'ry time I see your picture._

 _When this hurtin stops, I don't know..._

 _You see that it ain't easy..._

 _My heart doesn't feel alive..._

 _I just may as well forget livin'..._

 _'Cause you ain't in my life..._ " Keeter improvised, "Pretty good for on-the-fly, right?" he asked.

Animal nodded...and Harm said, "Not bad, Keeter, not bad..."

"What the hell was that chorus again?"

They all sang,

" _Just put me out of my misery..._

 _And shoot me..._

 _It would be the kindest thing to do._

 _No matter how much I try to hate you._

 _I just can't stop lovin' you..."_

"Hey, the verse changes..." Animal commented blearily as he downed yet another rum and coke which wasn't prudent as it just added more alcohol to his internal mix.

"Yeah, so...we're pissed out of our minds and we're trying to make up a song as we're going along. SO what..." Keeter grumbled in complaint. "Hey, it's your turn."

"Hey Bartender! A Kahlua and Irish crème…times 10! You don't really wanna hear this, do you?" Animal protested, trying to focus his vision on Keeter. It wasn't working. He decided to down a few of them at one time. He knew he was going to regret it in the morning.

"Yeah we do..." Keeter opined.

"Then you're definitely plastered then..." Animal said sarcastically and then said, "Well, here goes...

 _It was yesterday that you told me..._

 _That you loved another man..._

 _My heart told me to leave you..._

 _But my pocketbook told me I can't..._ " Harm started laughing his head off.

 _'Cause Baby, you still have my Pinto._

 _And my Celine Dion CDs too._

 _My stereo and my $500 VCR..._

 _And my dear Alsatian: Buckaroo._

 _Just put me out of my misery..._

 _And shoot me..._

 _It's the kindest thing you could do..._

 _If you could at least give me back my dog..._

 _I just might get over you._

 _Yeah, you know we bought a house_

 _When we were starry-eyed._

 _We're mortgaged to our hilt now._

 _I'd just as soon have died._

 _We were going to start a family,_

 _Oh, yeah, Have a kid or two..._

 _Now you've gone and you've taken the house keys._

 _I'm gonna have to sic the bailiff on you._

 _Just put me out of my misery..._

 _And shoot me..._

 _It's the kindest thing you could do..._

 _Forget this game of hurt we played._

 _I just can't get over you._

 _When you told me that you loved him._

 _And that we were completely through..._

 _Thank god we didn't marry..._

 _Or I'd lose this mortgage to you..._

 _So forget about this happiness..._

 _Forget about the love we made._

 _Are you happy now that I hate you..._

 _I'm glad you never stayed._ (AN: I could put in worse, but I figure I'd better keep it clean)

 _Just put me out of my misery..._

 _And shoot me..._

 _It's the kindest thing you could do..._

 _With this $200,000 mortgage..._

 _I just can't get over you._ " Animal finished with a flourish. "There..." he glared at Keeter..."Now I'm stone drunk..."

"Bravo..." Harm stood up, his balance rather unsteady and clapped before falling back in his chair yet again. " Those words were very well-suited to the occasion." His opinion was stated in a rather slurred tone.

Keeter's attention was on a very nice looking brunette across the room in the tavern.

"Hey, Keeter, you still with us." Harm asked, noting that his Academy mate's attention wasn't on him and Animal.

"Nope, he's on the prowl..." Animal finished looking around at the bartender to see if he could get himself another drink; which probably wasn't the wisest course of action.

"See ya guys..." Keeter grinned at his two slightly more inebriated friends after he got an affirmative glance from the brunette across the room. "Hope ya guys feel better..." He got up out of the seat and uncertainly wove his way through the tables and chairs towards the brunette.

"Yeah, thanks a bunch..." Animal snorted as he gazed over at Keeter. Ah, hell, Keeter could get himself a woman anywhere. "Ah, heck no...loyalties in that man..." he slurred as he looked over at Harm. "He can't even be bothered to stay here and get drunk with us…"

"Uh…well…he can't be expected…" Harm commented wryly, then noticed a young woman with auburn hair and green eyes looking at him. And flinched as she walked over to him.

"Hi...there..." she said in a low smoky voice. "I just noticed that you two were looking kind of miserable over here. Just wondered if you were up to talking."

"Um..." Animal had gotten up out of the chair and was heading unsteadily towards the juke-box. He threw a quarter in. Looking over at Harm, who was not really wanting to talk with this woman, Animal hit the selection. It was a

Lee Greenwood piece which played softly in the background, almost as if it was a soft soundtrack to Harm's conversation with the woman.

Animal never heard the conversation, but Harm had gently told her that he wasn't up to dating. Animal sighed, what a bunch of sad-sack, disappointed souls the two of them were tonight, both stuck in a bar, commiserating about the sad-sack, lacklustre love lives that the both of them were leading. What a crock of crap that was.

The young woman nodded and gave him a sad smile as she left.

"Hey partner..." Harm grinned as Animal returned to the seat. Looking up they saw a sombre Major Sarah Mackenzie joining them.

"What's up?" Animal asked...as a server came around to the table as Mac sat down.

"I...just broke up with Dalton..." Mac replied as she looked over at Harm, then at Animal. "I can't trust him..."

"Hmph, lawyers..." Animal snorted derisively, more at Dalton's stupidity.

"If you didn't outrank me...sir, I'd smack you for that comment." Mac grumbled glaring at Animal.

"Well..." Harm said with a sarcastic smile..." Aren't we a happy bunch...we all got dumped on the same day..."

"All of us?" Mac said disbelievingly.

"Yep...Annie told me that she didn't want me in Josh's or her life..." Harm said...looking piteously at Mac.

"And Karen told me that she was leaving me for another man..." Animal said with an equally 'sad puppy' look which would have been comical except that Mac's situation mirrored theirs exactly.

"And I dumped Dalton..." Mac said. "Gee...what an afternoon..."

"Yeah..." Animal protested, "But it's not exactly the same: we were dumpees...you were the dumper..."

"Big deal..." The server was patiently waiting...as Mac turned to the server and said, "Tonic and water..."

"Right...Major..." the server took her order and headed back to the counter.

"So, what are you going to do now..." Mac asked Animal.

"I don't know...change the doorlocks...put barricades up on the perimeter, set armed guards at checkpoints at the end of the block." Animal commented acidly as Mac giggled. Animal counted off at least 16 ridiculous things that he would do to

thwart his ex-girlfriend's return. "Maybe go join a monastery..." Animal finished.

Mac said,"It's not that bad, is it?"

"Yeah, it is..." both Animal and Harm replied…looking like a pair of bloodhounds complete with sad bereft expressions and bloodshot eyes.

"Hey...at least you have prospects..." Animal said to Harm..." I lost the only girl I ever loved."

"Oh, quit being melodramatic..." Harm grumbled as he gave Animal a glower, "What about Colleen, Stacey, Kimberly, Mariah, Cindy, Dana, Kelly, Susan, Darlene...Where's that list, I had it somewhere..." Harm ran down the list then proclaimed slurring his words." Josh and her meant the world to me..."

"Josh and her?" Animal exclaimed, laughing his head off derisively. "You don't even remember Annie's name?"

"Of course, I remember her name..." Animal was told...by Harm in an indignant tone. "What about your girlfriend in the Philippines, Louisa Maria Mendoza?" he said scratching his head and then looking at him with a triumphant look as he remembered the name of the Filipino woman in Olongapo.

"She was not a girlfriend!" Animal said glaring at Harm.

"Yeah, sure she wasn't, Animal."

Mac was sitting there watching the repartee with an amused look, shaking her head "You aren't planning on driving home with the amount of drinks that you both have tied on...do you?" she asked.

"Uh...do you have a quarter for a telephone call?" Animal asked Harm.

"Why? You can't afford a telephone call on an O-6 salary?"

"I'm gonna have…to…call a cab..." Animal explained, his explanation punctuated by pauses as he tried to remember what he was trying to say.

"If you've got money for a cab...why...ask for a quarter from me? I'm broke…" Harm asked, his tone annoyed.

"Look...why don't I drive the both of you home..." Mac interjected before the disagreement fuelled by alcohol could get heated. "But Harm, guess who I met while I was on my way over here."

"Um...who?" Harm asked blearily.

"Thanks..." Animal said belatedly to the offer to drive them home. Evidently, Animal's braincells were working a lot slower than usual since his brain was working on statements two comments behind.

A clink in the jukebox...ushered in another song that played softly over the speakers and Harm and Animal looked up to see a beautiful vision in Navy whites. Blonde haired and blue-eyed, her lips curled up in a smile that lit up her face.

"Hi, Harm..." the voice lent recognition to Harm's alcohol saturated brain.

"Meg...Austin?" he extended a hand to shake it. There was no romance that he could feel in the handshake, it was the handshake of two friends, albeit good friends who had been apart for a long time.

"And you must be Captain Nakamura." Meg turned to Animal with a smile, her handshake was warm to the touch. Animal and Harm were in civvies. but their military style haircuts gave them away. "I've heard lots about you." she smiled gently at him, her eyes hinting at her interest.

"I hope some of it was good." Animal said trying to get his eyeballs to focus properly, now regretting the now ten Irish crème and Kahlua that he'd had.

"That's four stripes...y'know..." Harm said, officially raising an unsteady hand with index finger extended.

"Thank you, sir...I guessed that..." Meg said to Harm,"Well, Harm...Captain Nakamura, Major Mackenzie...it's really good to be back here..."

"Why don't you sit down?" asked Mac..."After all, she's transferring back to JAG. She's going to be Mattoni's new partner since Imes is going back to research."

"Is that right?" Harm asked then stated, "So, we'll definitely see alot of you around the office now."

"Yes, sir..." Meg replied. "I'm on-track for my two and a half stripes too, hopefully in the next two years."

"I'm sure you'll get it..." Mac said. "Animal's only a couple of years older than Harm here, and he's already a CAG"

"So, what do you do? Commander?" Meg asked.

"I'm an air wing commander. Formerly with the VF-41 Black Aces." Animal explained. "Hey, Bartender. I need a glass of water!" he hailed the bartender. If he was going to talk with this beautiful woman, then he'd damned well better get sober quick.

"So you fly F-14s or F/A-18s." Meg asked.

"I used to fly F-14s, same bird that Harm flew, but now I'm expected to qual on more than that." Animal informed Meg, "I'm based out of NAS Oceana, Virginia Beach...great place..."

"I bet...sir." Meg said, her blue eyes locking on Animal's brown ones.

Meanwhile Mac and Harm were looking at each other as though they were seeing each other in a new light.

"Say," Animal forced himself to expunge the alcohol from his system. He must look pretty bad, he thought, as Meg's look gazed over at him. "I hate to look like this in front of a beautiful woman." He said looking rather embarrassed.

"A break-up?" Meg asked gently, extending her hand to rest it on top of Animal's.

"Yeah...A break-up." Animal acquiesced. "Went rather badly."

"I know..." Meg said. "It's hard to let go...isn't it." Harm sort of blinked. Could Meg be talking about him? No, it couldn't be. But he smiled as he watched his friend, his RAG instructor and buddy be charmed by this vivacious Navy lieutenant. At one point in his life, he'd thought about Meg as being someone more than just a partner, but too much time had passed; too much time apart. But thenhis gaze returned to Mac, his partner, his dearest friend, the woman who had been with him through every step of the way, these past one and a half years. Mac did mean something to him. Maybe, he and Mac had a chance together.

"Mac, I..."

"Harm. I..." they both laughed as they tried to talk at the same time, and the moment passed.

"Say, could I periodically look you up..." Animal asked Meg. "Maybe go for dinner sometime?" She smiled as she gently agreed.

"I'd like that..." Meg replied as she gave him a smile that lit her face up as she looked back at Animal. "You know what they say about dress whites and gold wings…"

"And…Captain's stripes." Harm interjected with a pie-eating grin on his face, whether as a result of self-satisfaction or alcohol, Animal couldn't place. But no, it was just a gentle tease. Meg wasn't the type to go rank-hunting for a potential mate.

"What do you say that we get out of here before our Blood Alcohol Content inverts." Animal asked with a wry grin on his face as he looked over at Harm.

"I think that might be a great idea." Harm commented.

Meg grinned at Animal. "How about I drive you home and Harm can get cozy with Major Mackenzie." Mac looked at her with a startled deer in the headlights look.

"Sounds fine with me." Animal smiled in agreement. "So we're all in agreement with that plan?" Mac shrugged her shoulders and nodded, while Harm grinned as though he'd won the State Lottery. "Good…now let's blow this joint." Animal said decisively, a fresh feeling of sobriety flowing through his body as he opened the door and the brisk evening air flowed into his face. "But Meg…you gotta drive. I'm absolutely drunk…"

The patrons of McMurphy's Tavern could hear their laughter even in the parking lot as the four departed.

*******THE END******


End file.
